


Spidershmirtz

by Thinker109



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Heinz Spidershmirtz, Monsters, Yeah you read that right, i just want them all to be bros (yes even candace she is a bro at heart), mentioned that time heinz actually had??? his arms??? cut off?????, no beta like a baws, perry never had a job he's just a sentient bro, phineas ferb and candace just have a platypus for a brother dw about it, pnf get robbed (mentioned), stupid spider joins happy family more at 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29292498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thinker109/pseuds/Thinker109
Summary: That's an awfully big spider that's been living in their closet...Gifted to revenblue as my "fairly long imo, weird af au".
Relationships: Ferb Fletcher & Candace Flynn & Phineas Flynn, Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Spidershmirtz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [revenblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/gifts).



Perry awoke from his sleep to Ferb’s small gasp.

Ferb glanced over at his brother, then back at the shadowy figure frozen by the door. Phineas blinked drowsily and looked at Ferb, a question on the tip of his tongue. 

“Phineas,” Perry felt Ferb’s grip on him tighten, just slightly. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

Phineas looked at the six-armed figure by the door and his eyes widened. “Yes, yes I am.”

Eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, Ferb saw a lanky kid with far too many eyes and four more arms than necessary. Perry stood up, one arm resting on Ferb’s shoulder, and growled at the silhouette by the door. The shadow flinched and stepped back. 

“Is that a… spider person?” Phineas asked. 

The figure nodded and Perry growled again. Was it planning on kidnapping his boys? Was it robbing them? One of its arms inched towards the door, turning the knob slightly, and it flinched at the squeak as light flooded into the room. 

Phineas thanked the stars that he’d decided to install night lights and immediately regretted thanking them as he saw the creature in full. It? He? Had a long, pointed nose, surrounded by eight, red, unblinking eyes. It was wearing a black sweater that surprisingly had extra sleeves for all of it’s arms. It hissed and made to leave, but Perry catapulted from Ferb’s side and tackled the creature to the ground.

“Hey! Stop! That’s not cool, man-- I mean platypus.”’ It whisper-yelled in a shrill voice. Ferb clicked his tongue and Perry turned towards him, one eye locked on the creature. 

Phineas eased his way off the bed and crept carefully towards the spider person on the floor. It shrank away from him, putting one hand defensively over its head. “Please don’t kill me…” It whined pitifully.

Phineas sighed. “Ferb? What are we gonna do with… it?” He glanced at the rather pathetic creature laying on the floor, groaning. 

Wait. “Perry, did you use your spurs on it?” The platypus nodded sheepishly. “What have I told you about attacking spider monsters in the middle of the night?” Perry looked down, sufficiently remorseful. 

The creature groaned again, blue blood seeping from a few gashes in its chest. Phineas rolled his eyes to heaven and gestured to Ferb to come closer. “Where’s our first aid kit?” 

Ferb raised his arm, kit in hand. The monster on the ground was already twitching in pain, the venom must have taken effect. Honestly, Phineas was surprised at the pain tolerance this… person... had. He ripped the shirt further, revealing a plethora of old scars covered in sticky blue blood.

Phineas winced. This was… not his forte. “Ferb…” He glanced at his brother, but Ferb was already backing away, similarly disgusted at the sight of blood, whatever color it may be. Phineas glanced at Perry as a last resort. The platypus sighed and took the kit in his paws.

Perry promptly turned and ran out the door, kit still in his hands. “Perry, where are you going? This is all  _ your _ fault! Get back here!” Phineas ran after his pet platypus, stopping in front of Candace’s room. Her door was ajar and he heard the telltale sound of an older sister being roughly shaken awake by a platypus. 

“Ugh, go away Perry, it’s like… one in the morning.” Candace groaned, smushing her face further into the pillow. Phineas opened the door wider and stepped in, fully prepared to douse Candace with the water she kept by her bed. 

She shoved Perry off the bed and stepped into her Ducky Momo slippers. “I’m up, I’m up. What do you want from me.” She ran a hand through her hair, smoothing out the tangled mess a bit. 

Phineas stopped, unsure how to explain the events of the past seven minutes without seeming insane. 

Perry rolled his eyes and gestured at Candace with the first aid kit, pointing back in the direction of their room. Her eyes shot open. “Ferb is hurt?” Perry shook his head but kept pointing urgently. Candace only had time to look quizzical for a moment before Phineas tugged her hand, leading her to their room.

Candace looked down at the writhing… spider… person… thing on the floor. “Nope. Not doing that. Not now, I need my beauty sleep.” She made to head out of the door, but Ferb stopped her. “I don’t need your puppy eyes, Ferb. I am  _ not _ doing first aid on some monster you guys found in the middle of the night.”

Perry tugged on her hand pleadingly and Phineas widened his eyes, lip trembling. “Fine.” She sighed and picked up the kit. The monster thrashed a little as she knelt down to look at the swollen gashes. Candace eyed Perry, suspecting that all this was  _ his _ fault. 

“Okay, we gotta clean these wounds. I think we need water and uh… should we like… swab it with antibiotic cream or something?” Phineas ran off to the bathroom to grab some water and Candace set to finding the antibiotic. 

Despite writhing on the floor in pain, the monster… thing... was oddly silent, only gasping for breath every so often. As Candace cleaned and bandaged the gashes, she glared at Perry for making her do all this in the middle of the night. Seriously, that platypus had anger issues.

Perry glared right back because who  _ wouldn’t _ attack a terrifying spider-beast in the middle of the night?

Finishing with a sigh, she stood up. No use sleeping now, just in case the monster woke up and attacked her brothers or something. “So. What are we gonna do now?” she asked. 

The clock chimed quietly. Phineas looked over at it, then back at Candace. “Maybe we could have an early breakfast?” 

Candace rubbed her tired eyes. “Phineas, it’s two in the morning. We are  _ not _ having breakfast and lugging this thing downstairs at two in the gosh darned morning.”

“It’s always six in the morning  _ somewhere _ !” He wiggled his eyebrows.

Sighing, Candace lifted the rather light monster and trudged downstairs, cursing her brothers and this stupid monster and Perry and everyone else who was making her do this.

The spider person flopped lifelessly in her arms, somehow banging into every possible object, what with its lanky body and long arms. It was, she mused, a lot like carrying a sack of potatoes, except if the potatoes were long sticks and the bag had a lot of holes in it. Maybe that wasn’t the best metaphor.

They reached the dinner table with minimal problems and she draped the creature over one chair, vowing to supervise it for any sudden movements.

Phineas had made a nice PB&J and was just about to bite into it when he noticed the creature stirring. Candace was fast asleep in the other chair and Ferb was still busy with his sandwich… Phineas leaned over and poked it in one of its shoulders. “Hey.” He whispered.

It shot up and scrambled madly away from him, tipping the chair in its frenzy, falling over with a loud clatter. Candace jolted and smashed a plate on it reflexively, knocking the poor thing out for the second time that night. “Candace!” Phineas yelled, before slapping his hands over his mouth. “I mean…  _ Candace _ !” He whispered harshly. “I was just about to get some answers from it!”

Ferb took a bite of his sandwich and poked the slumped form on the ground. “Out cold.”

Perry took his turn to glare at Candace, and Candace glared right back because who  _ wouldn’t _ smash a plate over a spider-beast’s head in the middle of the night. Perry rolled his eyes and slouched down in his chair.

It was at this moment that Lawrence peeked around the corner from the staircase. Well. At least they weren’t being robbed. He’d woken up earlier from all the noise and the final crash had finally piqued his curiosity enough to come downstairs. 

His curiosity was, to say the least, not sated in the slightest. “Boys? Candace? What is happening?” he asked, remaining quiet as to not wake Linda.

Phineas looked up, eyes wide. He opened his mouth to say something but Ferb interjected by pointing at the spider person currently lying on the floor. “That.”

Lawrence stepped back slightly in disgust at the mess of limbs that barely resembled a person. 

He came closer, a little bit fascinated. “Is this some sort of… spider person?” 

The creature opened one of its eight eyes and stared at him, cringing away with a squeak when he crouched down. 

Lawrence looked around all the tired faces in the room. “What should we do with it?”

“I’m not an ‘it’!” the spider person shrieked indignantly. Lawrence jolted back and kicked it-  _ him _ , he supposed, in the head, knocking out the spider person for the third time in the hour. 

Both Candace and Perry looked at each other, then back at Lawrence. 

Phineas climbed back into his chair and continued eating as if nothing had happened. Ferb poured Perry a cup of cool tea to join his own cup.

They sat in silence as Lawrence made his own sandwich, looking everywhere but at the body. Even Candace started whistling inconspicuously, to which Perry punched her in the arm. Not the time.

When the spider person finally awoke with a groan, all eyes turned to him. No one spoke. 

“I’ll be totally honest, I did  _ not _ think this was how it was gonna go, on the off chance that we actually met.” He put one hand on the gashes on his chest. Another arm gently touched the blossoming bump on his head. “Jeez, you guys really did a number on me.”

Lawrence glanced at Perry and Candace, not missing their too-innocent expressions.

Rubbing his forehead, Lawrence sighed. “We’d like an explanation, mister…”

“Oh no, I’m not a “mister” anything, I’m Heinz Spidershmirtz. I would say that it was nice to meet you but it really wasn’t,” he said.

Ferb side-eyed Perry. Candace got a pass because she did the first aid. He would have side-eyed Lawrence but Lawrence was already prepared, because of course everything was a game of four dimensional chess between him and Ferb.

A low growling sound disrupted their focus. Heinz clutched his stomach, embarrassed and flushing bright purple. Looking away, he muttered, “Sorry. I just haven’t eaten in like a week and a half and I was actually gonna go get, like, a snack or something when you guys saw me.”

Phineas’ jaw dropped. “A week and a half?” 

Heinz nodded, raising up all of his arms. “Spider person, remember?” He looked away again, “Plus I’ve been trying to eat as little as possible because I don’t want to take you guys’ hard work away.” He put one hand on his chin while a few others fiddled with his turtleneck. 

“So you… live here?” Lawrence asked. How had they not seen a spider person before at all? Lawrence was just about to reassure Heinz that he wasn’t being too much of a bother when he started talking again.

“I… er, yes,” he brought some arms up with a worried expression, “but don’t worry! I’ve been doing some chores and trapping robbers and things! Please don’t kick me out… houses without other closet monsters are hard to find and others don’t really…” He chuckled awkwardly and wrung his hands. “They don’t typically like me all that much…” 

His stomach growled loudly again. 

Phineas decided to take pity on the poor thing and offered it half of his sandwich. Heinz hesitated for a moment before taking it with a grateful smile. “Thanks. I’m really sorry about this whole ordeal--”

Lawrence cut him off with a shush. “It’s fine. Maybe if you’d told us earlier rather than sneaking around for-- how long have you lived here?” 

“Ah, maybe four years? I think around when Phineas was a toddler. Most, ah, closet monsters move out pretty late but I had to leave home at around six years old for… personal reasons.” Heinz gripped his sandwich a little tighter, causing some jam to leak out of the side.

“You’re as old as I am?” Candace interjected. “But you’re so… tall.”

Heinz shrugged, turning back to the first proper meal he’d had in a while. 

Lawrence didn’t know what to say. His mind was still taking time to process, well,  _ everything _ . “Wait, what do you mean by ‘trapping robbers’?” 

“Well, sometimes you guys get some dangerous looking guys coming in the middle of the night, and you know, that’s not very nice of them so I trap them, like in webs and stuff.” Heinz finished off his sandwich, thinking far too long about licking the jam off the dish. Eventually he decided against it with an inwards sigh. 

Phineas yawned. Lawrence stood up and ruffled Phineas’ hair. “We should probably get some actual sleep. You think you’ll be okay on the couch?” He addressed his question towards Heinz.

Heinz nodded eagerly. The couch was probably ten times better than sleeping in a mock web-hammock in the closet.

-

Early morning sunlight streamed in through the glass doors that led to the backyard, a stripe of yellow light gleaming off of Heinz’s face. The light was suddenly blocked by a platypus, flicking him awake with a finger. Heinz fell off the sofa with a yelp, unprepared for platypus morning breath.

Perry chirred at him suspiciously from atop the couch, raising one eyebrow. 

“What do you want from me, man?” whined Heinz.

Perry narrowed his eyes and raised two fingers, gesturing at himself, then at Heinz. He squinted his eyes even more and hopped off the couch, leaving Heinz on the ground, thoroughly confused. 

It was at that moment that a red-haired woman walked into the room. She looked at the-- well, she didn’t really know what it was. “Phineas, Ferb? Is this your doing?” She called out.

Ferb stepped out from the kitchen, surprisingly quiet. “No, mom. This is Heinz. He is…” Ferb hesitated. “Apparently he is- or rather,  _ was _ the monster in our closet.” Ferb glanced quickly at Heinz again, unsure. “He’s revealed himself to us because of… circumstances.”

Linda sighed and rubbed the space between her eyes. Still drowsy, but mostly understanding what was happening now, Heinz took the chance to stand up. He tentatively reached out one hand, three others fluttering, tense. With his other hand he brushed back his hair, hoping to look at least halfway decent. “Hello…?” 

Linda looked at the offered hand, then down at Heinz. They shook, both very uncomfortable, and stepped back in unison. First Heinz, then Linda looked back at Ferb, at a loss as to what happened next. 

Ferb watched the whole exchange, a little surprised at how well his mom was taking everything. 

Just then, Phineas peeked from behind Ferb, completely oblivious to the strange tension in the room. “Oh hey! You guys met. Wanna go eat a real breakfast now?” Phineas gestured excitedly to the kitchen, where Lawrence was flipping pancakes. 

Shaking his head, Heinz backed away. “I really need to find another house, like,  _ quickly _ , ‘cause I can’t really  _ stay _ here any longer and I really don’t want to  _ get in the way _ or anything, so I’m just gonna g--”

He was abruptly cut off by Phineas pulling him towards the kitchen, tugging on three arms at once, as one does. Heinz tried to pull one arm out, but Phineas was surprisingly strong for a little kid. 

There was a sudden crack. One of Heinz’s arms had just… snapped off at the shoulder. Heinz blanched and stared in horror at the sparking arm. Phineas stared too, lost for words. “You’re a  _ robot? _ ” Heinz hurriedly tried to shove the arm back onto the socket, walking backwards. He stumbled into a wall, gulping as he tried to shove the arm back on in vain, sparking wires cutting even more red marks in his skin. Linda, Ferb, Phineas, Lawrence, and now Candace stared at him. 

He scrambled backwards, one arm still trying to stick the prosthetic on, to no avail. Perry suddenly appeared and grabbed him from behind and Heinz yelped. He curled into a ball, overwhelmed, shoulder hurting where wires had burned the skin. 

Phineas started over to help, but Ferb pulled him back. The rest of the family just peered at the shaking ball on the floor. 

Candace worried that curling up like that would break her meticulous stitches and tapped Heinz on the shoulder. Hunching into himself further, he mumbled something that sounded vaguely like “I’m sorry.” She glanced at Perry, not sure what to do. 

The arm finally clicked back into place and Heinz stood up in one fluid motion, oddly still. He looked down, afraid to see what he assumed would be angry faces. “I really should go.” 

Candace held her hand up, cutting him off. “You’re  _ not _ leaving. You’re not gonna disrupt my handiwork again. It’s all Perry’s fault anyways,” Perry glared at her before she continued. “You’re staying  _ right here _ until my say-so.” 

Lawrence raised an eyebrow. 

Heinz struggled for a second between leaving and invoking the wrath of Candace or-- yeah, no, he was going to stay. He nodded, still not really capable of saying anything more. 

A burning smell filled the room and Lawrence rushed over to the forgotten pancake. Tension mostly gone, everyone walked over to the table to finally eat a proper breakfast. 

As soon as Phineas wolfed down his pancakes he started rattling off questions. “Are you really a robot? Who made you? Why did you choose to live in our house? Can you see multiple things at once if your eyes aren’t facing the same direction? How old are y--” Candace flicked him on the nose, annoyed. Phineas snapped his mouth shut with an audible clack.

Heinz started to answer, but the questions had already slipped his mind. “What?” He accidentally spewed out a few crumbs of pancake.

Perry gestured at the spider person, pausing on the arms and making a circle motion at them.

“Uh? Oh, yeah, no-- I’m not a robot or anything crazy like that,” he said, as if being a monster that lives in people’s closets wasn’t crazy. 

Perry raised his arms at the house around them and stopped, unsure how to get his point across, but Heinz had already understood. Lawrence glanced at Linda as Heinz began talking.

“Why did I choose this house? Well, you guys have, like, a lotta people. And family over pretty often. I guess everyone else thought it would be too crowded or something, I dunno.” He looked down at his empty plate, disappointed that he’d already finished eating.

Perry grunted affirmatively in reply and turned back to his grubs. 

Everyone finished the meal in relative silence while Heinz fiddled with the tablecloth.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this fic I worked on sporadically some months ago while I was still super into PNF and I just saw it again and it was kinda ehhh so I'm throwing this here and if I ever continue it then that's my problem. (BTW they all end up as one big happy family idk how monster adoption works but it does) sorry for the "cliffhanger" lol


End file.
